The Stank

One of my favorite hobbies over the past few years has been perusing Spots Corner on Hyena Cart. I’ve scored some awesome stuff, but occasionally there are some bizarre/awesomely bad/trying to get rid of some shit offerings.

Let’s highlight the current craptastic listings on Spots.

Not one, but TWO Tupperware ice cream scoops:

I don’t get it. Dueling dragons? Perhaps I need to be Indonesian. I think my play isn’t imaginative enough for this. Uggo.

Everyone needs to spend $25 per yard of fabric (you can find the print portion HERE for 16 bucks. Still stupid, but better). I’m not a huge Echino fan as it is, but I’d def pass on this:

Because you aren’t truly crunchy unless you start them out on tie dye fresh out of the womb (granted it would be better if they were made in a hemp blend), here are some bassinet sheets:

Here’s one of the “I need cash”/”Who the fuck uses something aside from a Kindle or Nook?”/”I hate my Christmas gift” listings:

Now if only I had a Kitchenaid mixer cover with a rocket on it.

The biggest winner of them all is the *NEW* Adult Cloth One Size Diaper. Don’t worry, it fits small through large and has a snap-down rise for your adult CDing comfort.

I think the real question is: “Would you buy a USED adult cloth diaper?” I mean, they wash them. You could strip it and it would be totally fine, right?

BARF.

And here’s the prefold version of the adult diaper, complete with action shot:

Stop laughing. Adult incontinence is no joke.

Whether you’re looking for a few skeins of Dashing Dachs for your next knitting project or just want to see what is out their for your immediate shopping gratification, Spots is a great. (btw, you can buy me anything DD and I’ll be your friend forever. Just saying. Click the link and send me prezzies… although the pickings are slim at the time of this post…) Yet every now and again you get a “Who the fuck buys this shit?” listing. Oh so fun.

If you have yet to bask in the glory that is Spots, take time today to soak up some super special rays of (typically) secondhand sunshine. You’ll find it both brightens your day and slowly drains your bank account. Happy spotting!

Please welcome to the stage, Ellie the Elephant. Many of you may know her in infamy as a Goodmama scalper, however, I’d like to introduce you to the new Ellie: brilliant creator of “eye candy” and other ugly-assed crafts. 

If you’ve never heard of PartyPantZ, you’re in for a real treat.

Let’s take a quick looksie:

 WTF? $125-$155 for oversized OBV crap?

All I can think is that it’s Hammer Time:

And the Later Gator pants are SOLD OUT?!?!? Bitch, please. You had to have put that up to make people think someone actually bought that shit. Then again, some morons have money to burn and children that like to dress like the 1989 Rap Artist of the Year.

In her listings she goes on to describe these little gems:

“My rainbows are incredible to experience. When i began to set craft on these i was after a memory of a life time. i could see a barefooted child dancing around twirling and twirling… “

Ummm…okay. Sipping back on Grandpa’s cough medicine much while we “craft”? Alcohol and crafting do not mix. However, if you’ve seen the overwhelming amount of monstrosities on Hyenacart you may begin to think that the majority of WAHMs start the day off with a bottle of warm chardonnay. (What? All you have to do is add an ice cube. Duh.)

Here are some pantZ that you’ll find under Ellie Art. They are super special, so they get their own category:

Yeah. I really want to put my kid in a pair of pants that look like they’ve been sprayed with smurf jizz.

Notice the lovely frayed edges of the blue shit. That’s art.

She makes skirties, too. Just in time for Thanksgiving:

Those are some crazyassed seams. And what the fuck is that shit hanging off the side there? An homage to that hanging turkey gobbler thing? (Okay, I think it’s called a wattle. I googled.)

And here comes the Mama Nurture String.

Whaaaaaaat?? These look like some sort of bondage sex toy or perhaps upcycled anal beads. What you do with them is your business, yo.

Here’s the inspiration for the nurture string (or Tusk’) explained:

You can totally ignore you kid if you’ve got one of those beauties hanging from your wrist as you spend the day on your computer. Okay, lady.

And why is it called a Tusk’? That baby elephant is clearly trying to hold on to it’s mama’s tail. You should consider renaming them.

I have learned a few things today:

• Tripping out on acid and drinking whiskey will make you more creative.
• Spell shit wrong. It’s fun. Everyone is doing it.
• Scalping Crapmamas just isn’t fulfilling. In order to feel personally satisfied (read: really rip people off) you need to learn to sew and string beads.
• There will always be someone stupid enough to buy something ridiculous because they believe that paying a hefty price gives them a boost in status.
• GM scalping will never die.

Keep a lookout for more wondrous creations from Ellie. I can’t wait to see what she comes up with next (purely for entertainment value, of course.)

Oh Goodmama. You have served us well over the years by setting trends in cloth diaper fabrics, providing entertainment through your cult-like following and the ridiculous resale “value” of you precious dookie catchers, as well as giving us a means to sip our coffee or store our pencils in an artisan-crafted f5 mug (order one now for only $40 plus shipping! Expect delivery in 6-8 weeks.)

So apparently GM decided that people on their B/S/T page need to provide “feedback” by posting a picture of their GM collection. How this is feedback, I’m not certain. It almost seems like a test to see if you own enough of their product to be deemed worthy to remain a member of the page.

The following (extremely disruptive) photo was posted as someone’s feedback picture:

I can’t tell what’s wrong with that (except the rather obvious fact that she spent over $1500 on Goodmamas, assuming the 44 diapers were each $35. It may be a low estimate. And sometimes I can’t count/multiply. Damn maths.)

Someone on the Goodmama B/S/T page wanted to be an asshole, because they pointed out to the “GM Helpers” (read: dickwads Suze hired to act as the GM Gestapo on her facebook page) that 2 of the diapers aren’t actually GOODMAMAS.

OH NOES!!!!!!

So then one of the “helpers” contacts the owner of the photo:

Happy Little Helper: I think I’ve mentioned this once before… You will need to submit a new photo for your feedback picture asap. the picture you sent, while cute, shows diapers other than gm’s and is therefore not ok for our page…if it isnt gm related, we cant allow it. so sorry. if you dont submit a new picture for me to use, I will have to remove your feedback thread completely

Former GM Monkey:There are 2 diapers that are not gms and you cant even tell

Happy Little Helper: FGMM, Im sorry, but it has been brought to my attention by other members, and people who have been around gm long enough know what is and isnt a gm

She’s not kidding about those “people who have been around” thing. Some fuckwad saw the picture and unlike a normal person who thinks “Aw! What a cute tutu!” or “That a lot of effing money to put into one brand.”, they think to themselves “Diapers #18 and 42 are NOT Goodmamas! Those two eyesores completely ruin the picture. We only allow Goodmamas around here. None of those ‘other folk.’ It’s time to be a dick.”

FGMM is a little disillusioned by the situation:

Former GM Monkey: where is the spirit of cloth diapering? I get that this is a goodmama group but seriously 2 diapers on a picture that has 50 GM diapers? its just pathetic that i need a new pic

Happy Little Helper: Im sorry, but it is just like showing a stash shot that clearly shows 50 gm’s and 5 that arent. I take those down too. it’s a matter of respect. this isnt a general cloth diapering group, this is a page run by and to promote goodmama diapers…not xyz brand or whatever

Former GM Monkey: this is just pathetic!

It’s about respect, dammit! Posting any other diaper brand is a blemish upon the shrine of Goodmama and shows you may possibly have loyalties elsewhere. TRAITOR!!!!

Former GM Monkey: can i really say what I like? Cause if i posted how annoyed i am, that would probably be removed too.

Happy Little Helper: like I said, you are not the only one that has been talked to or brought to my attention. everyone else complied and has gone happily along

Former GM Monkey:well i like to speak my opinion. I dont like getting pushed over because some mamas have issues!
people lost their lives to fight for our rights and our rights just get taken away here. its wrong, rude and pathetic

Happy Little Helper: this is a private board and therefore can be run as so. I am not going to go further with this discussion. either send a new picture by the 31st, or I will take your thread down. thank you

(in an eerily calm, yet authoritative voice) Now FGMM, everyone else has bent over and taken it right up the ass when we’ve asked them to. It’s your turn, now. Be a good girl and fetch me a nice, compliant picture.

So FGMM decides to be a cheeky little monkey and submits this:

Personally, I think it’s creative and has just enough “fuck you” in it to be entertaining. Besides, the stars add pizazz!

HLH does not like the pic and tells FGMM that she must submit a new photo by a certain deadline or she won’t be able to have a feedback pic. At all.

So then FGMM whips out this super awesome picture that was allowed on the GM facebook page but is clearly advertising another brand:

I don’t know about you, but when I think about Goodmama, I think about drinking. I would gladly tap the Rockies with that little muffin any day. (BTW- Is that a shoe rack in the kitchen????)

The basics from then on:

• HLH asks FGMM if she’d like her to crop out the Coors Light logo.
• FGMM says “No.” and that she’ll submit a new picture.
• HLH goes and puts her kids to bed.

Fucking. Asshole.

I bet HLH only has Goodmamas and would never let them play with the CozzyBunz down the street. Oh no. All that are not their kind must sit at the back of the bus and drink from the separate (but equal!) WAHM water fountain.

Diaperists.

“So,” you wonder, “what ever happened to FGMM?” Well, I’ll tell you!

FGMM went on to sell off the majority of her Goodmama stash and moved on to greener pastures. She has now opened up her stash to a variety of diaperkinds and is no longer perpetuating the idea that being a GM is better than everything else. Instead of having 1 or 2 token “other” diapers, she has many CDs of varying descent. She also does not own an f5 mug.

Good for you, FGMM. Good for you.

And shame on you, GM! You’re pushing the envelope with these ridiculous rules/general douchebaggery and alienating your followers. What is a queen without her subjects? Just another fucktard who happens to sit on a throne.

You know what? Nevermind. Keep being assholes. That’s more dollars going to my WAHM girls who actually know what “customer loyalty” means.

More people should be like FGMM. Fuck Goodmama.

Yeah, I said it.

A wonderful 48 hour auction recently occurred on Hyena Cart.

To say the diaper is a little off would be quite an understatement. I can’t believe someone paid an entire $13 for the ghastliest of Ghastlies:

Note the fine craftsmanship and expert placement of the minky ruffle.

And really? You need to put on a five snap, snap-down rise? That would be snaps literally out the butt.

You can’t even see the print, so what’s the point? It looks like some gray, black and white shit slapped together with a little fabric.com minky.

Sure, the pictures could be off. Sure, she could have poured her heart and soul into the creation. Sure, I could have something other than malt liquor running through my veins… but one thing is certain:

It’s a fucking pocket so no one cares anyway.

Aw. Sad. There’s trouble in paradise over on the C (read: Chelory) B/S/T page. It seems Jessie—one of the craziest of the crazies—had some trader’s remorse:

(whining) Lisaaaaa! I WANT MY CANDY COOOORN!

Mind you, she’s not trying to bring any “drama and nastiness,” she just wants to be a seriously cracked thorn in Lisa’s side. That wont. shut. up.

Poor little baby contacted Lisa and she was soooo mean!

I’m with Lisa on this one. Get a grip. You’re pissed that you let that precious jewel of a diaper out of your sight and want it back. God forbid someone SELL a diaper that is their own, personal property. Who do you think you are? Chelory?!?!?

Paranoid much? I don’t know who this Mary Ruth character is, but she sure sounds like a shady motherfucker. How dare she participate in the rightful sale of a diaper. She should know how Lisa hoodwinked you into trading the diaper for another that just doesn’t quite nuzzle as softly on your cheek as your sweet Candy Corn.

Make sure you let EVERYONE know how terrible Lisa is. Oh and Mary Ruth.

Note the time stamps. She’s posting every 2-6 minutes and no one gives a shit. Perhaps there are a few people in that elite group of Chelwhorey lovers who know what a fanatical rant looks like.

I sure as hell hope Lisa didn’t give that diaper back. And you better back up off Mary Ruth because if I know people with 2 first names (and boy do I), she’s as sweet as pie and wouldn’t do anything underhanded. Neither would Mary Beth, Mary Pat, Rebecca Jane or Anna Lauren.

Unlike you, Jessie.

I’ll say it: You’re a liar. You’re pissed because someone traded with you and then sold your “artwork” off like the cheap, secondhand merchandise that it is. The diaper Lisa sent you is fine and dandy. You just have your panties all in a twist that she sold the effing candy corn.

Get the fuck over it.

And seriously? $400?!? You have got to be high… and not on the good shit.

Let’s have a little fun and go shop shop shopping on HyenaCart!!! I scoped out a few things and compiled a short list of stuff I likes:

1. Sheep in a Heap + Western Sky Knits = Wise Owl on Club Thread

Super cute 2T shirt plus WSK’s Wise Owl colorway! Nothing more fun that yarn and appliqued shirts.

2. Dolce Baby’s Petit Sweet Mini Fitted

I hate to admit it, but I loves me some newbie dipes. I have a bit of a collection… you know, “for the next one.” She has some other cute ones up there.

3. Flying on and “Airplane” Bayside Britches Set on Little Trunks

Loooove sets and this one is ca-yute.

4. Big Kahuna on LT at Their Own Knitted World

Loving this colorway and love the variations in Licorice Twist.

Perhaps I’ll take time out every day (okay, maybe every 2-3ish days) and have a shopping time out. There can only be so much snark in a day.

Oh so sorry if you can’t see some of the shtuff I’ve got up here. I’m working on it.

It’s all you whores’ fault!

That is all.

ETA: It should be fixed. Let me know if something’s down.

It’s now Tuesday, so let’s keep in mind that a) I had other things to do, b) it’s no longer fresh in my mind and c) I took screen shots after a few beers and missed a couple of goodies/can’t fully remember why I took screen shots of certain posts. Damn you BBC Mods for doing your job and getting rid of the evidence.

ANYWAY — Friday night a little (now deleted) thread was started on BBC’s Cloth Diapering board. A simple question was posed regarding Green Mountain Diapers and the free religious material offered on their site:

BTW - If you post shit like that you’re going to get an argument. You just are. So don’t act all frigging innocent. It’s like eating too many chili dogs at a fair and saying “I hope I don’t get sick later.” Those dogs are going to come a-barking, k?

Moving on. It goes in a generally tame direction in the beginning until the gays come out to play. The argument goes something like this:

• I am gay.
• Christians don’t support the recognition of my family unit/my life in general/hate gays.
• The GMD owners are Christians.
• I won’t buy from GMD because they hate gays.

Let’s just get this out of the way: I love me some gays. While some 17-year-olds were at Homecoming, I was down at the local gay bar sipping (okay, guzzling) cranberry and vodka, bustin’ a move to some sweet dance/techno musik and enjoying the best drag show in town. My two best gays and I had some fuckin’ good times. (Shout out to Tim and Brandon… wherever you may be, B. Like you’re reading this.)

Rational people question their/others decision to not buy from GMD because of the diaper ministry, asking logical questions such as:

and saying sensible things like:

And pretty good counterpoints:

And someone’s overly paranoid about the extreme right:

Some Christians have popped up. One would think they can’t out-drama the gays (“Bitch, please,” comes to mind) but it gets horribly bad/so bad it may be good.

Let me introduce you to Amy:

Seems pretty tame, right? Aside from saying that Christians like to segregate themselves from people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs, there’s nothing really incriminating.

Yet.

Let’s get this one out of the way, too: I love me some Christians. Although I will not state my particular affiliation, believe it or not, my evil self wanders into church weekly. I may not actually learn anything, but at least I show up. I wouldn’t be all “I’m a Christian” up in the joint. Just saying.

And so the debate goes on:

• I won’t buy from GMD.
• I’d love to support a fellow Christian and buy from GMD.
• This post has allowed me to make an informed choice and the answer is “No.”
• Stuff about gay marriage.
• Stuff about gay rights.
• Some other random shit, like “I love Shiva” bumper stickers.

In pops Amy with a revelation from above on how she can improve her swap practices:

I’m totally what-ing out, dude

And a point for people/awesomeness in general:

Sign me up for 12 strap-ons, please!

The Christians then feel a bit butthurt by the anti-Christian vibe. The official lesbian of the thread posts this beauty:

I really want to see a bitchslap with a Bible. Just saying.

Somehow pharmaceutical companies are brought up (random, right? I still don’t understand the entire thing… but I’m lacking on the sleep.)

All I heard was “yeast infections” and started thinking about oozing vag. Hmm. I’m thinking about vag… maybe I’m gay.

Nahhhhh.

So back and forth and back and forth it goes. And goes. And goes. Amy’s arguing pretty hard and must be working up a sweat at this point, because she starts to accuse people of being gay. It’s a fucking witch hunt up in the joint.

• Being gay is a choice.
• No it’s not.
• Yes it is. You don’t agree with me, huh? YOU MUST BE GAY!
• No, really, it isn’t a choice. Why do you care about how I live my life?

Oh I’ll tell you why:

She says something else about how people aren’t meant to be with members of the same sex because they can’t naturally make babies. Cuz it’s all about the baby makin’.

And because I love me some GMDs AND some Girl Scout cookies:

I’m losing interest at this point, when a lame asshole decides to impersonate yours truly:

What the fuck, dude? I had already made up my mind and was going to skip the thread until your lame ass showed up and caused a bunch of emails in my inbox.

Moving on… here’s where people start to get pissed:

Then Amy says some off-the-wall shit about people discriminating against Christians just as much as they discriminate against the gays. And the padawan’s daddy is mad (Bee Tee Double You - I’m really not scary, Christopher.):

Here comes a really tasty niblet from Amy:

You hear that?!?!? GO BE PILGRIMS!

Amy is an asshole. She needs to stop dry humping the Bible, get her head out of her ass and realize that the whole “purity” thing could be construed as an effort to wipe out the beauty that is America’s variety of religious views to create a super-race of white Christians of European descent. Disgusting.

I don’t like that kind of Christian. That be crazy talk.

WARNING: NSFW/LITTLE EYES AHEAD!

So then people erupt with the finger-pointing and the “wtf?!?” and posting random pictures and whatnot, when an evil twat shows up:

Minus the accoutrement adorning her private bits. Please note that the butterfly was appropriately chosen because that’s what that fucker looked like. That chick has more labia than a 27 member girl-on-girl group sex tape.

You said it:

My. Eyes. Are. Burning.

And the countdown begins:

But that shit doesn’t disappear. It stays up there a good 5-10 minutes. Or maybe it just seemed like it… time lasts longer in “ZOMG. WTF. PR0n?!?!” world. Which leaves people time to wonder:

It reminds me of a commercial I saw back in the diz-ay.

The world may never know… except I’m right here, fuckers, and I’m saying it wasn’t me. Neither are the rest of the hoebags pretending to be me either. Nor are those with fake screen names popping up all over creation on BBC. You guys make it easy. I don’t need to stir the pot.

And I’ll still buy from GMD. They have every right to spend their money on whatever they want. Unlike Amy’s plan, they don’t send free Bibles and shit with every sale they make; they send it upon request only. So if you don’t want some Jesus all up in the best prefolds ever, don’t order it.

innyvinny is right: Diaper Rite prefolds never caused this kind of mess.

Yeesh.

And because I take requests (despite the fact that it was not me):

And all God’s people said: Amen.

Are you for fucking real? That’s the best you could do?

SHAME ON YOU.

I’m wading through the mess. Sweet jeebus.

I’m a little impaired at the moment… why do you have to do this on Friday night? Me and Lagunitas Little Sumpin’ Wild had a party while all you guys made some serious noise.

Will have notes on this later/tomorrow/near future… may fall asleep at keyboard.